by Robert Metz – December 22, 2011
In celebration of the holiday season, I thought those who listen to our weekly radio show Just Right would appreciate having — in print — the collection of LIMERICKS we aired on our year-end broadcast today.
With the exception of those I wrote myself, the rest were excerpted (with some being heavily edited and amended) from: The New Limerick – 2750 Unpublished Examples – American and British, edited by G. Legman, Bell Publishing Company, New York, 1980.
So here they are. Plus one or two changes and additions since the show.
sshhhh! it’s sex.
Concerning them bees and the flowers
In the fields and the gardens and bowers,
You will note at a glance
That their sexless romance
Has little resemblance to ours.
Said a prudish young person named Reed:
“The gross way that we humans breed,
Viewed coldly, looks frightful,
Though I’m told it’s delightful,
So if you don’t mind, let’s proceed.”
It’s under where?
An immigrant Scot fresh from Glasgow
Was asked if he wore aught below.
With a tilt to his kilt
He replied, “If tha wilt,
Tha may’st feel for thysel’; then thou’llt know!”
Be my munici-pal:
Big cities are reeking with grief,
A haven for criminal and thief,
And designed in a way
So that half of us pay
To maintain all the rest on Relief.
A binary mathematician
Had the curious erotic ambition
To know what to do
With the powers of two,
When the two are in proper position.
Just looking, thanks…
Said a lustful old man from Montclair
As he leered at a girl’s derriere,
“Though touching’s unlawful,
The mental strain’s awful,
Can they put me in jail if I stare?”
Yes they can.
H. Spencer Ashbee, oil-seller,
Was a rather love-crazy old feller,
He neglected his wife,
Led a wild SECRET LIFE,
Which today has become a best-seller.
I think he’s chicken:
There was a young man from New York
Whose morals were lighter than cork,
“Young chickens,” said he,
“Have no terrors for me —
The bird that I fear is the stork.”
This could really become (a) complex:
Said Oedipus Rex, growing red:
“I wish all head-shrinkers were dead!
They make such a bother
Because I hate father —
Perhaps I’ll love mother instead.”
He swears that the girls can’t resist him,
Keeps a list of the ones who have kissed him.
The amount’s not too hot,
But it looks like a lot,
Since it’s kept in the binary system.
Signs of the Times:
A fellow with stars Capricorn
Only wished he had never been born
And he wouldn’t have been
If the durggist had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
A poet, by birthright a Scorpio,
Was trying to rhyme the word ‘Scorpio.”
He fretted and fried,
Till in torment he died —
There is no rhyme for Scorpio!
What? No rhyme for ‘Scorpio’? Well, I don’t know. I don’t think so.
In fact, I think I could have saved that poor fellows life!
Maybe he should have tried approaching the problem in different ways — to think ‘outside the box’, if you will:
About the limerick on Scorpio,
Its lack of a rhyme I’ll torpedo
The secret you see,
Is to think logically
About rhymes, not exact, but just so-so-so.
Placing the emPHASis on a different sylLABle is just one solution. I have another:
About that limerick on Scorpio?
My own logic on rhyme I’ll now torpedo
The secret may be
not to think logically,
But to sing: do re mi fa so la ti do…..
Low Why Cue:
Said a Mensa snob with a sigh:
“Although my I.Q. is quite high,
When it comes to real wit
I’m just not worth a twit,
And I cannot determine the ‘why’.”
Sometimes the doorknob won’t turn…
Confession is good for the soul.
I dream day and night of a hole:
It’s lined with red silk,
And the doorknobs squirt milk —
Do you think Doctor Freud should be tole?
(Usually a doorknob is just a doorknob, but in this case, I think he should give the good doctor a call.)
Freedom Of Speech is a fundamental write:
There was a philosopher, Spencer,
Who never knew pleasure intenser
Than once, when he saw
Mr. George Bernard Shaw
Attempting to censor the censor.
Waisting Their Love:
There were once two young people of taste
Who were eunuchs right up to the waist,
So they limited love,
To the regions above,
And so remained perfectly chaste.
Just who’s screwing who?
Here’s an interesting application of the barter system, and a good way to dodge taxes to boot:
There was a young harlot named Trilling
Who went to the dentist for drilling.
In a fit of depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
So each cancelled the other one’s billing.
Now what do you suppose might happen if the taxman found out about this arrangement?
Simple. We’d have another limerick! Like this:
Having heard of the billing
Avoided by Trilling
The taxman extracted
A figure exacted
That was quite chilling. Not thrilling – for Trilling.
The dentist, having heard
Of Trilling’s extraction quite absurd,
By reporting a convincing sum
Avoided the ‘Trilling outcome,’
Though was left no less disturbed.
Gender neutral or neutered?
A creature once lived on an asteroid,
A strangely desexed little basteroid.
He might have been her,
But you couldn’t be sher—
If he was a she, he’d been casteroid.
Coursing Through The Stars:
When the race for the stars runs its course,
And we invade with a female task force,
Will our sterile embrace
In cold outer space
Be called inter-, or just outercourse?
There’s a season in Neptune’s affairs
When the lovers get frozen in pairs.
Though the sunshine’s appealin’
It’s for Winter they all say their prayers.
Flash Gordon, when looking for fun,
Poked Dale with his little space gun.
Murmured she, I’m not shy
But quick, button your fly —
In comics that just isn’t done!”
That does not compute (no kidding):
A robot named Gamma Thirteen
Once seduced a computing machine.
But his bold intromission
Caused nuclear fission —
Who knows what the kids might have been?
Any incandescents allowed?
An alien who had sex with a humanoid
Soon felt life in her abdumanoid.
But the pregnancy was
Not quite average because
In darkness her belly was luminoid.
“These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise…”
The Enterprise ladies, so one hears,
Have chased Mr. Spock for many years,
But His look of disdain
Has actually spared them great pain,
For his wit is as sharp as his ears.
Timing is everything:
Said crew girl Angelica Bauer:
“The captain’s withdrawn, cold, and sour.”
Uhura said, “No,
At night that’s not so—
He doesn’t withdraw for an hour.”
“I’ve heard that line somewhere before…”
McCoy’s a seducer galore,
And of virgins he has quite a score.
He tells them, “My dear,
You’re the Final Frontier,
Where no man has gone before.”
Thank goodness it’s Friday – tomorrow:
Each Friday his engines abort,
But Scotty is never caught short.
He fills his machines
With space-navy beans,
And farts the ship back into port.
(Impulse drive. Now we know.)
The Enterprise crew when off work
Will have sex like an Ottoman Turk
Uhura the Zulu
Is shacked up with Sulu,
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
Though most of the crewmen are whites,
Uhura has full equal rights.
Her crewmates, you see,
And the way that she fills out her tights!
Just like home:
The Venusians do not kiss or pet,
Nor work themselves up in a sweat.
As to sex: they get wed,
Then all feeling goes dead —
Hey, how like our Earth can you get?
That’s it for this collection.
And don’t forget:
Just Right is the name of the show,
It’s brought to you on CHRW radio,
The two hosts rarely fight,
Though each argues he’s right,
But hey, what the hell do they know?
Just Wrong is the theme of their shows,
Their arguments simply don’t flow,
Wrong arguers just fight,
Having only faith that they’re right,
Which is why they don’t know they don’t know.
Just Right is the name of our show,
And for this year, it’s now time to go,
We trust you’ll return
In the new year to learn,
About freedom, about life, and what’s so.